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I just noticed for like the 8th time in the last few weeks some guy who is famous for accomplishing nothing with the exception of receiving numerous trivial awards has humbly bragged about these awards by expressing, “I’m humbled.” No, you’re not humbled. You’re humble bragging. So I thought I’d just review some of the simple lines that signal the deliverer of said lines is a tool… which is an insult to tools because tools are useful.

  • I’m Humbled By – means I’m bragging and pretending to be humble about it… look at me!
  • In My Humble Opinion – words uttered by no person with a humble opinion… ever
  • With All Due Respect – always the precursor to being disrespected
  • No Offense – but I am not only about to offend you, but it’s intentional because I know what I’m about to say is offensive
  • Just Saying – begging for a mulligan on the offensive thing just said
  • At the End of the Day – is the start of the next day
  • But – 90% of the time, “but” negates whatever precedes it. Usually replacing but with “and” works better. Which is better?
    • “You have been doing good work but I think you could do better.” or
    • “You have been doing good work and I think you could do better.
  • To Tell The Truth – is never said by honest people
  • Give 110% Percent – never said by a mathematician
  • Thinking Outside the Box – is always said by an inside-the-box thinker. Using a cliche to describe unconventional thinking is not thinking outside the box.
  • Everything Happens for a Reason – Like the reason you failed is you’re stupid, lazy, unlucky or someone beat you
  • It Is What It Is – Is it? Was it what it was? What if it is what it could be?
  • There is No I in Team – Yes but there is an M and an E as in ME in team and if you look carefully, at the picture below you’ll see there is an I in team.