Post Thanksgiving Non-Thankfulness Pissed Offedness

Alright, you turkeys, listen up! Mr. Cranky is back (that’s me, in case you forgot). Back for a one-day-only engagement or blog post, and I’m here to unleash my post-Thanksgiving wrath upon the world. Forget those saccharine-sweet gratitude lists – I’m diving headfirst into the cesspool of annoyances that make me want to chuck my pumpkin pie out the window. The day after Thanksgiving isn’t just for leftovers; it’s also for airing grievances, something even Mr. Cranky would tip his hat to. So, let’s dive into my list of unthankful mentions.

1. “Rockstar” Recruiters: If I see one more job posting looking for a “Rockstar” anything, I’m going to scream. Newsflash: Unless your company is literally hiring someone to shred on a guitar, knock it off. When did job listings turn into a talent show audition?
2. Ninjas and Sherpas (Oh My!): Seriously, are we all climbing Mount Everest while simultaneously assassinating people in the shadows? Enough with the ridiculous job titles or descriptions on LinkedIn already.
3. LinkedIn “Keynote Speakers”: Apparently, everyone and their grandmother is a “Keynote Speaker” these days. Here’s a tip: actually delivering a keynote speech means you delivered a keynote speech. But you ain’t no stinking Keynote Speaker unless you’re earning seven figures or more (note seven figures to the left of the decimal point) and that’s your sole source of revenue. Otherwise, you’re just like me, some schmoo who conned some company into letting you speak at their event. And don’t even mention that you’re a “Thought Leader.” No, thanks. I don’t need my stinkin’ thoughts led; I’d rather chew on lead paint.
4. Ted Talk Torture: Ted Talks used to be interesting. Now, it’s like wading through a sea of mediocrity to find one that’s actually worth watching. If finding a useful TED talk was like fishing, you’d have to throw back 99 fish for being too small before you caught the one worth taking home and eating.
   
5. Unsubscribe Email Insanity: You know what’s truly infuriating? Getting an email to confirm you’ve unsubscribed from an email list. It’s like they’re taunting you with one final blast of digital spam.
6. “Coffee Meeting” Con Artists: Beware the dreaded “Hey, are we still on for coffee?” text from someone you’ve never met. It’s the 21st-century equivalent of the Nigerian Prince scam.
7. One-Hit Wonder “Authors”: Pumping out one book does not an author make. It makes you someone who managed to string enough words together to fill a few pages. I’ve written a whole stack of books, but I refrain from calling myself an author. It doesn’t pay my bills. I’m a dabbler in stories, an Executive Coach, and a Teacher (not even a professor) at a University. Because coaching and teaching pay my bills. Writing books is my hobby. I find it interesting that people don’t call themselves Skateboarders or Poker Players when describing their vocations.
8. Left-Lane Limpets: Slow drivers in the left lane are the reason my hair’s turned grey and thinned to the point where I wonder why I even bother combing it. They’re like roadblocks designed to test the limits of my patience. (And yes, I may or may not have plotted their demise in one of my book, “Write to Die.” Notice I didn’t say one of the books I authored?)
9. The Great Cable Cord Con: Remember when cutting the cable cord was supposed to save us all a fortune? Yeah, that was a load of bull. Now we’re shelling out even more for a million different streaming services.
10. Gladiator II: The Sequel That Shouldn’t Have Been: Denzel was the only Roman from the Bronx in that whole movie! Everyone else had British accents and whatnot. Don’t get me wrong, Denzel chewed up the scenery like a hungry lion, but come on! The whole thing was more “Jenny from the Block” than Julius Caesar. And the story? Please. Lucius, with his 10 minutes of fame, suddenly leading a band of hardened criminals? That’s not leadership; that’s a bad plot device. Sure, the movie was a visual feast, and Connie Nielsen at 60? Still a goddess! But it couldn’t hold a candle to the original. Paul Mescal as Lucius? Meh. He’s got about as much gravitas as a wet noodle. Russell Crowe, now he was a gladiator. This guy? Not so much.

Okay, I’ve officially vented my spleen. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go grumble in a corner and dream of a world without “Rockstar” ninjas and pointless TED Talks.