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Every day I remain a member of the LinkedIn community, I ask myself… why do you do this to yourself? Why do you open yourself up to every idiot with an internet connection? What the hell do you get in return for all the inane banality of the unsolicited spam-meisters of the LinkedIn swamp? Being listed on LinkedIn is like being a committed celibate hermit who lists themselves on Tinder. It’s like being Mike Pence with a listing on Grinder. It’s like going to the dentist with no dental issues and demanding a root canal.

Today’s edition of “What the Hell Makes You Think I Give a Shit” is brought by the founder of a company called Compete Safe.

For some random reason that I can not fathom… this annoying fellow thought I was interested in some stupid company with some stupid patent that has nothing to do with me. He wrote, and I quote:

“We are a stealth project (4 years to date) looking for an A round. We are self funded to date, incorporated in DE and represented by WSGR. We were granted our first of what will be many patents in May – official Sept. 17, 2019.”

Let me dissect that message.

  • “We are a stealth project” – Damn, I wish you didn’t uncloak your stealthiness to me. I was happier before I knew you existed.
  • “4 years to date” – Oh… you’ve been in business for four years, and you still have no revenue and are still stealth… impressive! You just might be the next Theranos!
  • “looking for an A round” – You and every other schmoo with a dog of an idea that doesn’t hunt.I’d rather invest in a company that teaches fish to climb trees.
  • “We are self-funded to date” – Just a prediction… this statement will hold true 5 years from now… and just who is this We of which you speak? Methinks we refer merely to thee! It refers to an I and not a we, a one-man company does not a we make.
  • “incorporated in DE” – Do you wear boxers or briefs… an example of another question I never asked and to which I’m not interested in the answer.
  • “represented by WSGR”WAIT! WHAT? WHAT? Surely you jest… not WSGR? That changes everything… except WTF is a WSGR? It turns out WSGR is a reputable respectable Law Firm with like real-life attornies… which has no meaning or relevance to me, so why did this dumb founding bro boy think I’d give a crap?
  • We were granted our first of what will be many patents in May” – Well, I was issued my current driver’s license on December 17, 2013 and I think there will be many to come. Now we’re even. we’ve both shared useless facts about which nobody cares.

Why did this founder pick on me with this useless LinkedIn spam message? My LinkedIn profile doesn’t say I’m an investor. It does list that I was an investor as part of Stardust Ventures and that Stardust stopped operations in December 2016. That Stardust is not making new investments. So why me?

Even when I did make investments, my profiles stated the following:

  • I only invest in B2B – Compete Safe is a PB2I, not a B2B (PB2I is a Pretend Business selling to Itself).
  • I only invest in the DMV region (District of Columbia, Maryland, and Virginia) – Somehow, unless you are equipped with a Magic Trump Sharpie, it is hard to classify Orange County, California, as part of the DMV.
  • I don’t invest in people who reach out to me cold – you know, like people who aren’t smart enough to do their homework or don’t have the hustle and network to make a warm introduction.
  • I am not making new investments – so why are you talking to me?

The worst part about this stupid email from Compete Safe is that there was no call to action. There was no ask! It reminded me of the time I was on an elevator with a mom and her three-year-old son, and the son looked up at me and said, “I have a pony.” I really didn’t care that the kid had a pony, and I don’t know what he expected me to do with that information. It was cute coming from a three-year-old kid, and I’d expect more from a serious businessman running a stealth company. Yet, it would explain why he has been under the radar. Perhaps he thinks he’s “stealth” because no one sees him even though he jumps up and down and says hey, look at me. This would explain why a 4-year-old company that is self-funded has not been able to raise an A round.

So here’s my answer to him. I don’t give a crap about your company, and if I were an investor, I’d give less of a crap. But thank you for giving me something to blog about!

Update: I received the following message from a friend on Angel Investor on LinkedIn in response to this post.

I don’t think it’s Linkedin or even social media. I think the problem is humans. Some percentage of people will spam irrespective of the medium. Phone, text, email, direct mail, social media, whatever comes next….they will find a way. Sometimes its for nefarious reasons and sometimes it’s just stupid and amateurish marketing. By the way, I too got this exact same message. Someone needs to tell John that his approach is not going to work…