The Cockroach Renaissance: Startup Grifters Are Back, and They Brought Slide Decks

It’s happening. Again.

Every time the economy takes a nosedive and lands ass-first on a bed of pink slips, a familiar infestation rears its greasy little head. No, not layoffs—we’re talking about the startup cockroaches crawling back out of the cracks in the ecosystem to feast on the fresh meat of the newly unemployed.

This isn’t new. This is cyclical. Predictable. Like the McRib, Mercury in retrograde, or that ex who texts “U up?” after three whiskey sours. And just like that ex, these startup vampires are here to suck you dry.

Same Grift, New Hoodie

Let’s talk about the usual suspects.

• The “VC” who’s not really a VC. He’s got a slick deck, a burner Gmail account, and a Medium post titled “Why I Only Invest in Founders Who Meditate Naked.”

• The “Accelerator” that somehow manages to slow your company down, take a chunk of your equity, and teach you absolutely nothing beyond how to overuse the word “disruption.”

• The “pitch events” that promise exposure but mostly expose your bank account to a $1,000 hit for the privilege of presenting to a room full of other broke founders and a guy named Chad who once interned at a VC firm and now calls himself a “startup scout.”

This is the dark side of the Startup Industrial Complex—an underworld where broken dreams go to die while grifters cash checks and offer you “mentorship” in exchange for equity in your company that hasn’t launched yet.

Meet the Dumbass Ideas That Spark the Scam Cycle

You know what kicks all this off? The moment some poor soul says:

“You know what the world really needs? A dating app that matches you with the porn star look-alike of your dreams.”

Sure, champ. Next up: a mobile suitcase that follows you through the airport like a lost puppy. It’s Bluetooth-enabled, overpriced, and guaranteed to get stuck in TSA.

Are these ideas dumb? Yes. But are the dreamers the problem? Nope. The real villains are the parasites that cling to the desperate and clueless, selling hope in exchange for fees, equity, and the chance to stand on stage at a fake TEDx conference in Topeka.

Desperation Is the Business Model

When jobs dry up, people pivot. They dust off the “best idea I ever had” (spoiler: it’s never good), grab a hoodie, and start calling themselves a founder. Maybe they’ve got a prototype. Maybe they’ve got an Internet of Things toilet that analyzes your pee in real-time. Doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that the grifters are waiting.

These bottom-feeders make money whether you succeed or fail. They’re the startup casino’s house. You? You’re just the tourist at the slot machine, trying to fund a dream with the rent money. And guess what? The house always wins.

Welcome to the Startup Gold Rush (Bring Your Own Pickaxe)

This new wave of pay-to-pitch scams is shameless. “World’s Hottest Startups,” they call it. All you have to do is… pay. You pay to pitch. You pay to get into the room. You pay to maybe meet a “pretangel” investor—yeah, you read that right—who’ll invest if you hire them as a consultant first.

It’s a racket. A con. A slow-motion mugging wrapped in buzzwords and optimism.

The accelerators? Half of them are glorified dysfunctional coworking spaces with a fresh coat of startup-scented body spray. The mentors? Their only successful exit was fleeing the building with your investor money before the IRS kicked in the door.

And the so-called VCs? Most of them never managed more than a $2 million “friends and family” fund and still act like they’re Marc Andreessen with a podcast.

So What Can You Do?

Two words: Due diligence. Channel your inner paranoid psycho. Google these people. Demand receipts. Assume everyone is scamming you until they can prove otherwise.

If someone’s offering you something that sounds too good to be true? It is. If they name-drop investors, ask for a LinkedIn. If they say they’ve had “multiple exits,” ask if any were through the front door and not a bankruptcy court.

Trust no one. Especially not the guy wearing Yeezys and promising “ten-minute traction hacks.”

The Cockroaches Are Back. Don’t Feed Them.

The post-downturn startup scene isn’t just full of bad ideas. It’s full of predators wearing hoodies, promising unicorns, and quietly picking your pockets while you practice your elevator pitch.

Be skeptical. Be smart. And remember: when the nuclear winter hits, the only ones left standing are cockroaches. And right now, they’re back. They’ve got slide decks. And they’re looking for your wallet.

Mr. Cranky… out.